Rise of the Commercials
(The normal intro begins to play, but after a few seconds it suddenly gets gradually interrupted by TV static and the screen suddenly goes black, save for one little white dot.) Control Voice: There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust your monitor. We are controlling the video. If we wish to annoy you, we'll add obnoxious pop-up ads. (Pop-up ads reading "IS OBAMA THE DEVIL'S COCKRING? YES/NO", "Is Your Vagina... Not Vagina Enough?", "Is Your Penis Smaller Than A Baby Carrot?", "IS OBAMA JESUS' ROOMMATE? YES / NO", and "This Ad Doesn't Even Have a Picture. We've just '''Guaranteed' You Won't Click On It, Now." start appearing onscreen for a few seconds and then disappear, and the white dot turns into a grainy sine wave.)'' Control Voice: If we wish to infuriate you, we will load the video even slower so that all you can see is that annoying circle. (Cue the loading circle.) Control Voice: If we wish to confuse you, we will satirize a show that was popular in the 60's but you'll still kinda get because you saw it on that Simpsons Halloween special. (A clip of the soundwave from the intro to said special (Treehouse of Horror V) appears on top of the screen.) Control Voice: For the next half-hour, (The projector static resumes) sit quietly, and we will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery of... (The projector static turns back into the dot, then the "I O Donuts" image from Nostalgia Critic's t-shirt appears onscreen.) Control Voice: ...Nostalgic Commercials. (Footage of various commercials play, beginning with a MouseTrap commercial.) NC (vo): They're back, and they're ready to sell you their shit. Nostalgic Saturday morning commercials are practically a lost art...in that there's no more Saturday morning cartoons to play them with. (The logos for CBeebies, Disney Channel, BabyTV, Cartoon Network, Jetix, Cartoon Network Too, Disney XD, Nicktoons, Boomerang, Discovery Kids, Nickelodeon, Nick Jr. and Nick Jr. 2 appear onscreen and he gives a thumbs up.) NC: Thanks, nonstop kidsploitation media! NC (vo): But nevertheless, there was still a strange otherworldly feel to the ads of the 80s and 90s, and even some more recent ones, too. So today, we're gonna take a look at their bright, colorful, sugar-coated, brain-cell killing awesomeness, in all its glory. Because commercials are reviewable, too. What makes them memorable, what makes them laughable, and what makes them memorably laughable. NC: So, seeing how I called the first one "After These Messages", the second one "We'll Be Right Back", the third one "Exclamation Point", and the fourth one "The Fourth One", this one I'm calling... (pause) "The Quickening". (We are treated, like in the previous commercial specials, to a compilation of ABC's clay animated "After These Messages" bumpers.) Three Clay Singers: After these messages... Clay Fire Hydrant: ''(sings)'' After these messages... Clay Cowboy: ''(sings)'' After these messages... Clay Dog: ''(sings)'' After these messages... (The title "The Quickening" is shown.) Three Clay Singers (audio): ...we'll be right back! Skip It (TV static transition to: '''Skip It' commercial)'' Announcer: ♫ Hey, now, kids! Come gather 'round, see what just skipped into town. ♫ NC (vo): Yeah, you all know this one. Go ahead and sing along. Announcer: ♫ So Skip It, Skip It, you want to jump to the top. ♫ NC: ♫ Skip it, Skip it... ♫ Announcer: ♫ A skippin' and a screamin' and a bop-shoo-bop. ♫ NC (vo): This is the classic ad for a toy that was pretty much just jump rope for a disposable income. Announcer: ♫ But the very best thing of all, there's a counter on this ball. ♫ NC: Wow, that is the best thing of all. Remember when you had to count? Remember the fucking terrible days where you actually had to count?! NC (vo): Not only do I get to stay in just one place for hours, but I get to not think of numbers while doing it! NC: This thing's the new iPhone 6! NC (vo): As much as I love this ad, have you ever known anyone that was good at it? I mean, fucking anyone? I sure didn't. Nobody I knew could ever get the hang of this damn thing. If they really wanted to get it right, they would have advertised it like this. (Cut to a commercial parody of ''Skip It called Trip It with Malcolm and Tamara playing the kids.)'' NC (vo, as announcer): ♫ Hey, kids, see the new toy in town? To get you more acquainted with the ground. It's Trip It, Trip It, smashing faces into asphalts. ♫ (Malcolm trips and falls onto the pavement.) NC (vo, as announcer): ♫ Trip It, Trip It! ♫ (Tamara trips and falls on top on Malcolm. The word "FUN!" appears over the flashing footage.) NC (vo, as announcer): ♫ Sue the toy brand, it's their fault! ♫ (An angry and annoyed Malcolm looks on the back.) NC (vo, as announcer): ♫ 'Cause the very best thing of all, the phone number's on the ball. ("1-800 DON'T SUE" appears on the bottom) Maybe you can take those bastards to court, sue the little fuckers down to their shorts. Trip-It, Trip-It! ♫ (A lawyer played by Jim Jarosz shows the CEO, played by Doug, a paper with the words "FALSE ADVERTISING" written on them. The CEO shrugs as a truck drives past the screen with the words "AMERICAN JUSTICE" written on the side, stripping the CEO of his shirt and pants. Malcolm and Tamara laugh with cigars in their mouths as money falls all around them. A screen showing the product with the words "Trip-It" is shown next to footage from the commercial.) NC (vo, as announcer): Trip-It. It's a lawsuit waiting to happen. NC (vo): Well, it's still a catchy song that won't be leaving anytime soon. Announcer: ♫ Skip It, Skip It ♫ Come on, everybody! Skip It! The Incredible Crash Dummies (TV static transition to: '''The Incredible Crash Dummies' commercial)'' Announcer (vo): It's the Incredible Crash Dummies! Slick and Spin: Sure! (crashing into the bullseye) Whoa! NC (vo): So there was this strange period of time when the crash test dummies, which were originally PSAs for seatbelt safety, got their own toys made. Junkman: I'll smash their fun! Spin: Gotta run! NC (vo): It was...weird. There was, like, an evil dummy (Junkman) who wanted to stop their crashing... NC: ...because that was a thing, I guess... NC (vo): ...but in theory, it was still kind of cool, because it was the only toy you were expected to break. Junkman: Break?! Where's the brakes?! Spin: There aren't any. Junkman (falling onto the bullseye): Whoa! Announcer (vo): The Incredible Crash Dummies! NC (vo): Even though every commercial ended with the same line... Slick: Don't you be a dummy! (with Spin) Buckle your safety belt! NC (vo): Isn't it a little ironic that you're learning about car safety by being encouraged to crash a car? NC: This is actually kinda sick. NC (vo): Yeah, maybe that one went through the windshield, or that one's fucking bleeding to death. Innocent fun! NC: Maybe I'm reading too deep into it. I mean, after all, it's not like there was a torture chair to live out your sadistic fantasies. Announcer: With the Crash-and-Bash Chair! NC (vo): What the Christicles? Holy shit! (Scenes of the dummies being dismembered) Child voice: Nice body slam! NC (vo): What does any of this have to do with car safety? Voice: Hey, dummy, give me a break? Whooahh. (The dummy parts going flying at a screen with the words "SMASH".) NC: Okay. There's playful violence, and then there's Saw. This is Saw water that you're in. Spare Tire(?): CRASH TEST!!! Announcer: These guys really take a beating! NC (vo): Whatever fucked-up part of our brains liked this, it was a hit for a while, even if we...should probably be concerned why. Slick: Don't you be a dummy! (with Spin) Buckle your safety belt! (Billy "Jigsaw", the puppet from the ''Saw series pops up.)'' NC (as Billy): Or I'll kill you! TMNT (TV static transition to: '''TMNT' commercial)'' Cameraman: 3-2-1! Michelangelo: Hey, there, sports dude! (NC moans in terror at the ''TMNT 3 reject puppet.)'' NC (vo as Michelangelo): I'm the melting ass animatronics from Ninja Turtles 3. Michelangelo: Basketball: Slam Dunking Donnie -- NC (vo): God, how did they go from Jim Henson puppetry to a dead-eyed corpse with fishing line poled lips like Mr. Ed??? Michelangelo: In football, TD Tossing Leo's making sure the Foot aren't having a ball. NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing is, you can tell this is when they were running out of ideas for stuff to put the Ninja Turtles on. In the early 90's, they were literally on everything. No, I mean fucking everything. Michelangelo: Like, lively six pack low-fat Yogurt. Leonardo: Excellent! NC (vo): So, it's pretty obvious this is when we were getting to the point where they had very few options left. Raphael: Friends, are you in the market for a new car? Mike's Cowabunga Surf Buggy! Michelangelo: Welcome back to the International Turtle Games! Raphael: There I was, on safari in deepest Africa! Michelangelo: YEEHAW! Dudes! I just love the Old West! NC: It's kinda like saying, "Remember when Batman took up baseball? Or Wonder Woman took up bowling?" (We see Photoshopped images of the two scenarios... then actual comics featuring these scenarios.) Okay, those were actually real things, but it still feels wrong! Raphael: It's Crazy Clowning Mike! Michelangelo: Chief Leo, leader of the Turtle Tribe/Bandito Bustin' Mike/It's Raph the magnificent! Raphael: Hey, the rabbit pops up! NC: But wait! There's more! Uh... uh... There's (cue Photoshop images of...) Ninja Turtles accounting! Ninja Turtle toll booth operator! And last, but not least, pregnant Ninja Turtles.* (as Michelangelo) Like, preggers-bunga! *'Note:' The figure featured in that last scene is Venus de Milo. Raphael: Things weren't going too well, okay? NC: We swear! It's all part of the original source material! Practically nothing has changed! It's not just an attempt to have you to buy it as a gift or something! Raphael: Bodacious Birthday Turtles! Just what I've always wanted. Singers (off-key to Happy Birthday): Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! NC: (pause) Enjoy your fumes. Raphael: All yours for no money down, no installments, you just pay for it! (TMNT 1987 logo appears.) Singers: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! NC: We're out of ideas! (Caption appears below the logo) HBO Feature Presentation Bumper (TV static transition to: '''HBO 1982 Feature Presentation Bumper')'' NC (vo): Oh, my God! This may be the greatest bumper for anything ever! NC: Okay, so you're about to watch something on HBO. What do you usually see before it starts? (Current HBO Entertainment bumper, the short static "Aaaahhhh", plays.) NC (unimpressed): Fucking riveting. You wanna see what they had back in the 80s? (The 80s bumper begins to fly over a cityscape as the music begins to build.) NC: What whimsical whimsy of wonderment is this? (The bumper continues to fly over the city.) NC: By God! It feels like I'm flying!... Over a model of Micro Machines, but still flying! NC (vo): The music just keeps getting bigger and bigger! What magical realm are we being transported to? (The bumper finally starts to fly into outer space as the music builds to a crescendo.) NC: Yes? YES? (A starburst in space and the HBO logo appears with the Feature Presentation theme playing at a full orchestra.) NC: HBO, of course!!! NC (vo): Nowhere else will you find ingenious entertainment mixed in with pointless boob shots! NC: But wait a minute. Could there be something even more magical in the "O"? (On cue, as the HBO logo rotates in front of the screen, multiple colorful streaks begin to rotate around the "O". As the camera moves inside the "O", the Critic is taken aback in wonderment. A shot inside the "O" sees more of these colorful streaks. Cut to a quick shot of David Bowman going through the stargate in ''2001: A Space Odyssey. Finally, the words "HBO Feature Presentation" form from the streaks of color.)'' NC: Fucking amazing! I mean, fucking amazing!!! What would you rather watch before seeing anything? This? (Current HBO Entertainment bumper plays) NC (vo): We're incredible, I guess. Ahhhhhhh... NC: ... Or flying like fucking Peter Pan through a Godzilla model of wonder? HBO? You gotta bring this back. NC (vo): I don't care if you have to throw in Tyrion Lannister or something, just for God's sakes, bring this back! NC: Even if the movie you're showing is goddamn Jack and Jill... it'll be a little bit better with that intro. (We see the final form-up of the logo one more time. As the "HBO Feature Presentation" caption appears, a picture of Tyrion Lannister pops up on the screen.) Tyrion (NC vo): Yeees. Lalaloopsy "Diaper Surprise" (TV static transition to: '''Lalaloopsy "Diaper Surprise"' commercial)'' Girl background singers: Diaper Surprise! NC: Heh? Girl background singers: (To the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel") ♫ Lalaloopsy Diaper Surprise, feed your babies water, press her tummy, now look inside, Diaper Surprise! ♫ (As that song is sung, we see how the dolls do their work. A girl feeds a doll some water, presses her tummy, and inside the doll's diaper is a charm. Needless to say, NC is weirded out by this) NC: Uhh...I don't think that's how that works. Background girl: Look! A magic charm! NC (vo): Was this like the missing line that Rocky's coach (a picture of Mick appears) used to say? NC (as Mick): Ya gonna drink water and crap me yummy-wummy delicious charm bracelets! Girl background singers: ♫ Lalaloopsy Diaper Surprise, stars and hearts and flowers, look inside, which charm did you get? Diaper Surprise! ♫ NC: Eew... (A blue-haired girl is shown to use the diaper surprise charms as a necklace) Blue-haired girl: Charming! NC: Listen...girls in wigs...I just think you're kind of giving kids the wrong idea. NC (vo): I mean, what if a parent is like... (The Critic is holding a blanket in the shape of a baby. The screaming baby from one of the eSults can be heard.) NC (in dad's voice): Uh-oh. Somebody needs their diaper changed. NC (in mom's voice): No, no! Let me! I've been waiting for this for so long! (He puts a diaper in front of his face.) NC: (wearily) Kill me... Girl background singers: ♫ Lalaloopsy ♫ NC (vo): No. Just--just no. Girl background singers: ♫ Press her tummy, now look inside, Diaper Surprise! ♫ NC: Just no! Polly Pocket (TV static transition to: '''Polly Pocket' commercial)'' Polly Pocket: ♫ I'm Polly Pocket! Wanna see what's new? ♫ NC (vo): Polly Pocket. Wasn't this ingenious? It's a tiny girl who lives in a world that's also a compact. Good Jesus, that's like the ultimate combination of girl toys! It's dolls, dollhouses, and makeup all rolled into one! It's the ultimate trifecta! NC: You'll be vomiting pink for a week! Singers: ♫ Polly Pocket has fuzzy pets, it's true! ♫ NC (vo): Nothing really wrong with these now that I'm looking back at them growing up, but being a boy back then, I, of course, hated watching these commercials. I mean, they're just so girly! What do you even do? You open up this little world, walk through it, and then close it up to carry it around? NC: Bor-freaking-ing. Now boys, we, of course, had a lot better shit. Like... Mighty Max (TV static transition to: '''Mighty Max' commercial)'' Singers: ♫ Mighty Max! Mighty Max! ♫ NC: Hell, yeah! This was completely different, and so much better! NC (vo): You open up this little world, walk through it, and then close it up to carry it around! NC: A million times more advanced than Polly "Pissing" Pocket! NC (vo): Just look at how into it this kid is getting! He's a little fucking psycho! (We see a boy playing with the Frankenstein playset.) Boy: Me want brain!/Woah!/Watch out for that first step./Ahhhh!/It's not over, Mighty Max! Announcer: Will Max get fried? His fate is in your hands! NC (vo as the boy): Now where's that butterfly whose wings I was gonna pull off? Muahahaha! Announcer: Each sold separately. Mighty Max figure included. From Mattel! NC: But hell, that wasn't the end of it. We had other super masculine toys back then. Like... Creepy Crawlers (TV static transition to: '''Creepy Crawlers' commercial)'' Background singers: ♫ Cree-ee-eepy Crawlers ♫ NC (vo): Hell, yeah! Here we go! Announcer: It's the Creepy Crawlers oven! NC: Oh, well, if it's just an oven, I don't know... Boy #1: The Creepy Crawlers SUPER Oven! NC: WHAAAAAAAAA!?!? NC (vo): Yes, before everything was EXTREME, everything was SU-PER! (Text appears for both words, with pictures of the Super Soaker and the Super Nintendo for the latter.) But they meant totally different things, so don't you forget it. Boy #2: And now you can make your own Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers! (He pulls out a small wax figurine of the original MMPR era Black & Red Rangers.) Cool! NC: Uh, to be fair, they look (voiceover) less like Power Rangers and more like skinless human beings... (picture of the anatomy of human muscles) who got White-Out spilled on them. (back to the couch) But it captured their non-existent personalities pretty good. Boy #2: It makes super-sized bugs super fast! Boy #1: That's why they call it the SUPER oven! NC: Yeah! Now THAT'S how you do a boy's toy! There isn't any girl's toy out there that's even remotely close... Easy-Bake Oven (TV static transition to: '''Easy-Bake Oven' commercial)'' Female Announcer: Announcing the new Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center! Making even MORE treats for you! (The Critic looks horribly confused.) NC: ...Well, our version was better! We couldn't eat ours! And live! (a beat as he begins to realize something) You know, I'm beginning to think boys' toys were just girls' toys painted a different color and given less options... I feel so used. Female Announcer: The new Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center comes with everything you see here! Light bulb not included. (A picture of the Creepy Crawlers box appears beside the Easy-Bake oven.) NC (vo): HOW COULD I NOT SEE THIS?! Campbell's Soup Snowman (TV static transition to: '''Campbell's Soup Snowman' commercial)'' NC (vo): Oh, yeah. Can't forget this one around the holidays. A little snowman comes in and gets warmed up to a bowl of Campbell's Soup. Only to reveal it was actually a little boy the whole time. (As the snowman eats the soup, the snow melts and the boy is revealed underneath.) Announcer: Nothing melts away the cold like a delicious, hot bowl of Campbell's Soup. NC (vo): A cute concept and all, but my biggest question is, who the fuck left their kid outside so long that he would become a snowman? That's just horrible parenting! In any other world, I don't think this would fly over so smoothly. (Cut to a skit where a smiling father (Who would later be known as Creepy Dad) (Doug) opens the front door of his house on a cold, snowy day.) Father: Alright, kiddo! I think that's enough playing outside. Time to come on in. (The kid (Tamara) is frozen solid, holding the Trip-It toy from earlier.) Father: Need a little help there? Okay. (He brings her inside. The kid is still stiffer than Anna as an ice statue, and it appears that unlike Anna, no Disney-style warm hug from Elsa or act of true love will help this girl.) Father: Oh-ho-ho, well, you were having a lot of fun out there, weren't you? (silence) Indeed, but now it's time to stop playing with your toys, so... (He tries to grab the Trip-It.) All right. No, no, no, come on, honey. No, come on, honey. Come on. Come on! (He snaps off one of her gloves, taking her hand along with it.) Oh-ho-ho, somebody's growing up. (He puts the toy and the hand down.) Okay, well, why don't I make you a bowl of your favorite Campbell's Soup? (The other glove snaps off on its own.) I'll take that as a yes. (He picks her up. Cut to the dinner table.) There you go, honey. A bowl of your favorite... (The kid falls over, face first, into the bowl of soup.) ...Oh, Christ. (He lifts her back up for a quick moment, and then lets her head drop back into the bowl. Without another moment's notice, he runs away, leaving the kid face down in the soup. Back to the commercial) NC (vo): Well, it's still classic in many people's eyes, and I think it's still gonna be for quite a while longer. Just... don't try it at home. Singer: ♫ Let it snow, let it snow. ♫ (The commercial ends with the tagline "Never Underestimate the Power of Soup".) Announcer: Campbell's. (TV static transition to: The NC) NC: Those are good and all, but every once in a while, you'll come across a commercial that's so ridiculous and so stupid, you swear they're not even trying. Like this one! (cut to a commercial break) NC: (shakes his head) That was just lazy. Sunny Delight (TV static transition to: '''Sunny Delight' commercial)'' Kid #1: (hitting paddle ball on the beach) Me, me, me, me! Here it goes! (A mother takes out a jug of Sunny Delight from the groceries.) NC (vo): Here you go! Everyone's seen this classic before. Kid #2: (as he and the rest of the kids return home) What's to drink? Kid #1: (opening refrigerator) Let's see. We got soda, OJ, purple stuff. Kid #3: Sunny D! All right! Kid #1: Yeah! NC (vo): Of course. It was always Sunny D. Which is good, seeing how the mother always buys a fucking one-ton of them. How many varying sizes of that shit do you need? Kid #4: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff...and two kinds of Sunny D! Kid #5: Surprise! All right! NC (vo): The weird thing about it is not that in every commercial they always picked the Sunny D. That's kind of a no-brainer. The weird thing is that in every single commercial, they push aside the exact same drinks in precisely the exact same order. Kid #1: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff... Kid #6: Got some soda, OJ, purple stuff... Kid #4: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff... Kid #7: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff... Kid #8: We've got soda, OJ, purple stuff... Kid #9: We got OJ, cola, some purple stuff... NC: What the hell is this? NC (vo): How can so many homes have the exact same thing and so many kids dismiss them in the exact same lineup? Kid #1: We got soda, OJ, purple stuff... NC: Maybe it's like... a code. Like, if we hear it enough times, we'll figure out it was the missing combination to, like, the Stargate or something. (Footage of the portal from ''Stargate plays. Images of the aforementioned drinks appear, ending with Sunny Delight, and the gate stops in the unlocking position.)'' NC: Soda, OJ, purple stuff, and the missing piece, the Sunny Delight! Take us to the world where the he-she from The Crying Game will consume us all! NC (vo): I don't know what religious ritual you started, Sunny D, but you need a little bit more variety. NC: Do none of these families drink milk? Announcer: Sunny Delight. The good stuff kids go for. (A video of Dave Chappelle appears in the upper left corner of the screen.) Dave Chappelle: I want that purple stuff. Laser Tag Rocky (TV static transition to: '''Laser Tag Rocky' commercial)'' NC (vo): For whatever reason, the most intense toy commercials in the late 80s and early 90s were Laser Tag guns. It's like they're in their own little epic sci-fi movie. Like this one, for example, called "Laser Tag Rocky". (Shows a scene of a kid running through a maze. He encounters some guy in a cage, who growls like an animal.) Tough Guy: Rocky. You're late! Rookie. (A teammate runs up to the kid.) Kid #1: (gets shocked) Kid #2: Come on, man, let's go! NC (as Kid #2): We're late for our team: The Owen Wilson Whiners. NC (vo): Look at this. The toy hasn't even been advertised yet and already I'm hyped as hell! Tough Guy: Rookie. Female Announcer: Let's begin! (The Laser Tag Teams start the battle. One team is in a motorized vehicle and the other is on skateboards.) NC (vo): Jesus Christ! Where the hell was this laser tag being played? (A kid gets hit with a laser gun.) FA: Out! (Another one gets hit with a laser gun.) FA: Out! NC: That's right. NC (vo): Once White Grace Jones has called it, there's no going back. (Finally, only Kid #1 and the tough guy from the beginning remain.) Kid #1 (Rocky): Han!!! NC: What the hell was that? Rocky: Han!!! NC (as Rocky): I just got that joke you told me ten minutes ago! Ha! Rocky: Han!!! Han (Tough Guy): Rookie. NC (vo): So "Ha!" and "Rookie!" are the last ones left. This is far too epic. Slow-mo that bitch so we can enjoy it as long as possible! (The scene is slowed down as Han and Rocky fire their laser guns. Han's target is hit.) FA: You're out! (Han lets out an agonizing scream of defeat as the screen fades to a display of the Lazer Tag set.) Announcer: Lazer Tag. It's hotter than ever. NC (vo): By God, that was incredible! It had action, it had suspense, it had "Ha!" and "Rookie!" Laser Tag Rocky was literally Laser Tag Rocky! (An image of Rocky from the ''Rocky films is shown with a toy laser gun Photoshopped in.)'' Who can compare with that? Lazer Pro 9000 (TV static transition to: '''Lazer Pro 9000' commercial)'' NC (vo): Actually, believe it or not, this one possibly could. This was an ad for Lazer Pro 9000. Announcer: It was a typical summer day. Three kids in search of "fun"... NC (vo): And, of course, by "kids", we naturally mean 30 year olds going through some quarterlife crisis. Customer #1: You lookin' for somethin'? Kid #1: A "coke"(?)! (All of a sudden, one of the customers has a Lazer Pro gun replacing his three Coca-Cola cans.) NC (vo): Wait a minute! So there two commercials going on here? There's actually a product placement in the product placement. Customer #1: You lookin' for somethin'? Kid #1: A "coke"(?)! NC (vo): And the rest of the commercial isn't tied to Coke in any way. It's not like Coke presents Lazer Pro 9000. It's just kind of a strange out-of-nowhere bit of name dropping, which is ironic seeing how they didn't exactly say the name very well. Kid #1: A "coke"(?)! NC: A COKE! Kid #1: A "coke"(?)! NC: I always TALK like I'm on a trampoLINE! Customer #1: You got any muscle? Kid #1: Now I do! GO! NC (vo as one of the kids): We will fight for our six-pack of artificial flavors and freedom! (And the battle begins.) NC (vo): So, I'm not gonna lie; I'm just assuming this future takes place in the same one that Crossfire does -- a future focused on the revolution of a plastic triggered uprising -- it's gonna change the world! (The battle continues.) NC (vo): 'Look out! Monkeys, jukeboxes, black and white tiled diners! '''NC: '''TOO EPIC! ''(The battle ends.) '''Announcer: '''The high-tech sports game of the 90s. Lazer Pro 9000. '''NC (vo): '''Yeah, they made no sense. But, for whatever reason, these laser tag commercials were FUCKING AWESOME! '''Announcer: '''Lazer Pro 9000. Each sold separately, from Galoob. '''NC (vo as the announcer): '''We're not a sound effect, we're a company. Summer's Eve "Freshness" ''(TV static transitions to: '''Summer's Eve Freshness)'' Girl: Mom, can I ask you something real personal? Mom: Hmmm? Girl: Do you douche? NC: (stifling a laugh) What? Girl: Do you douche? NC: (stifling a laugh) I'm sorry, I know that's unbelievably immature, but this is coming from a time period when women's commercials didn't talk about...women's things. They always used kind of this code word known as "fresh". Girl #2: Do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh? Girl #3: Sometimes, I just don't feel fresh. Girl #4: My best friend told me it's a real fresh feeling. Lady: Fresh is ... a gentle breeze. Girl #5: It's natural to want to feel fresh. NC (vo): But then, every once in awhile, you just get a commercial that jumps straight to the point, like... (Cut to a black screen with the words "Why douche?" written on chalk.) Announcer: Why douche? (NC tries not to laugh.) (Cut to a bunch or random clips of women saying the word "douche" while NC struggles to hold in his laughter.) Girl #6: You can't buy douche any more effective. Lady #2: No more vinegar and water douches for me. Announcer #2: But when it comes to the douche they use most... Girl #7: Sure, that's why I douche. NC: I'm sorry, go to the next one; I'm too childish to handle this. Lady: Summer's Eve: The most convenient disposable douche you can buy. (NC snickers one last time.) Mentos (TV static transition to: '''Mentos' commercial)'' Singer: ♫ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♫ NC (vo): Hey, remember those commercials you swear were from the 70's, but were embarrassed to find out they were made in your decade? Mentos was a candy that seemed to solve every stupid problem with an even stupider answer. But, because the jackass had Mentos in his hand, that apparently made everything okay. Singer: ♫ Nothing gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool, with Mentos fresh and full of life! ♫ NC (vo): I suppose it works, seeing how everyone remembers these ads, but I just never got how Mentos was the world peace of any situation. Singer: ♫ Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos! Fresh and full of life! ♫ (The Mentos logo and slogan is shown in front of a person) Announcer: Mentos! NC (vo): Mentos? Fuck me! Everything's great! Why is this the answer to all of life's problems? (As the Mentos theme plays, we see a skit showing NC playing a jackass boss of the Skip It company abusing his employees, played by Tamara, Malcolm, and Jim Jarosz. As he leaves, Malcolm eats a Mento and feels better. The next thing we know, the three employees break into the boss' office while he watches a Skip It commercial and begin to beat him up. They show him the Mentos to make him smile for a brief moment, but then resume the assault.) Singer: ♫ Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do, do-waaah! It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, with Mentos fresh and full of life! Nothing gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool, with Mentos fresh and full of life! Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos! Fresh and full of life! ♫ (The Mentos logo and slogan are shown in front of the boss's screaming face) Announcer: Mentos! The Freshmaker! NC (vo): What does it matter? You'll still be humming it, and that's what counts...but getting away scot-free with small crimes doesn't hurt either. Singer: ♫ Fresh goes better with Mentos! Fresh and full of life! ♫ NC (vo as Announcer): Mentos! Disrupt the System! Nintendo (TV static transition to: '''Australian Nintendo' commercial)'' NC (vo): Hey! Nintendo! The greatest family-friendly system ever! NC: God, I remember when they used to make it look like they could make your house soar! (Cut to clip of What's it Like? Commercial where the house blasts off.) NC: Or it could ka-blast you out of your seat! (Cut to Nintendo Wireless Controller commercial where the wrestler's arms shoot out of the TV and the kid jumps back.) NC: Or it could open up a world of imagination you never thought possible! (Cut to ''Iron Sword commercial where Koros the barbarian enters what looks like a world of danger.)'' NC: God, I adored those whimsical commercials. So, go ahead! Show us what's in store for this one! (Cut to the Australian Nintendo commercial, as we see the blocky man looking through the screen with a sort of air of menace. Fun fact: this commercial was animated by what would later become Mainframe Entertainment, the people who gave us ReBoot.) Blocky Man: WE ARE NINTENDO. (Cut to NC looking shocked.) Blocky Man: ULTIMATE TV GAME SYSTEM. NC: (Visibly shaken up) Who are you...? Blocky Man: WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS. NC: (Still scared stiff) You don't look friendly... (Cut to the Zapper scene, where the kid is playing ''Duck Hunt.)'' Blocky Man (vo): YOU CANNOT BEAT US. AIM YOUR ZAPPER GUN. (Then rising from the bottom of the screen is the Duck Hunt Dog with a scowling look in his eyes. NC leaps back!) Duck Hunt Dog: (sounding like Dingodile) YOU CANNOT BEAT US. NC: Duck Hunt Dog, why are you so scary now...? (Cut to the ROB scene, where the kid is playing ''Gyromite.)'' Blocky Man (vo): EVEN WITH YOUR... ROBOT PARTNER! (As the Blocky Man speaks, a Smick creeps in from the left side of the screen. NC again is shocked at the sudden appearance!) Smick: YOU CANNOT BEAT US. (Cut to see the kid now playing ''Mario, and him getting hit by a Lakitu's spiny bombardment.)'' Blocky Man (vo): SCORE ONE MILLION. (And lowering from the top is a Lakitu... I think, and the cloud speaks.) Cloud: YOU CANNOT BEAT US. (NC is now even MORE afraid of these suddenly menacing Nintendo creatures.) NC: Can I play some Mario now-- (But he's interrupted by the Blocky Man speaking, and his eyes widen, as we cut to the scene where the kid is playing ''Mario and facing off against Bowser.)'' Blocky Man (vo): DISCOVER NEW WORLDS! (And appearing from the right is a Bowser like creature with a 2.5D head! NC leaps in surprise!) Bowser: YOU CANNOT BEAT US. (NC is now almost to the point of wetting himself...) NC: Are you stealing my soul while I watch you? (We then cut to a montage of the DHD, the Smick and the Cloud all saying that frightening tagline, "You cannot beat us." We then finally see Blocky Man with all four of the monstrosities! As they speak in unison with the words "You cannot beat us" shown below them, we zoom in on the fear filled and getting more fearful face of NC.) Nintendo Characters: WE ARE NINTENDO. WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS. YOU CANNOT BEAT US. (Cut to the end, with the Nintendo Logo and the tagline. NC, with a terrified look on his face, then quickly gets up, and walks to the nearest bathroom, and closes the door. Then with a scream of the greatest fear he's had since the Schwarzenegger Baby from ''Junior, he releases his bowels! NC has been literally ''scared shitless! He then walks out, and sits back down, the look of fear still frozen on his face. He then motions for the commercial to continue.) Nintendo Characters: WE ARE NINTENDO. WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS. (A horrified NC then gets up again for ''another quick trip to the toilet!)'' Nintendo Characters: YOU CANNOT BEAT US. (And once again, NC voids his bowels, screaming in terror! Fun fact: Sega Master System sold more in Australia and they had to ban Mortal Kombat because of this ad. It scared so many children like it scared Critic, they had to ban it and air new commercials with a kid playing a game on his NES saying "We are Nintendo, we cannot be beaten" and seeing something surprising in his room based on the game.) Apple "1984" Mac Ad (TV static transition to: '1984 Macintosh' commercial) (This commercial opens with a dystopic, industrial setting in blue and grayish tones, showing a line of androgynous people marching in unison through a long tunnel monitored by a string of telescreens. They all sit in front of a gigantic screen featuring Big Brother, the totalitarian ruler, portrayed by David Graham.) Big Brother: Today, we celebrate the first... NC (vo): Good God. Talk about a commercial that got everyone's attention. This was the first ad for the Macintosh. And they depict it in a creepy, 1984 Orwellian future. (A woman wearing an athletic uniform and carrying a sledgehammer -- Anya Major -- sprints down the halls, all the while being pursued by agents of the Thought Police.) Until a Wheaties commercial runs in to save the day. Big Brother: Our enemies shall talk themselves to death and we will bury them with their own confusion! We shall prevail! (The runner hurls the sledgehammer at the screen, and it explodes in a burst of blinding white light, shocking the people watching the screen.) Announcer (vo): On January 24th, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh. And you'll see why 1984 won't be like "1984".* *'Note:' The estate of George Orwell and the television rights holder to the novel 1984 considered the commercial to be a copyright infringement and sent a cease-and-desist letter to Apple and Chiat/Day in April 1984. NC (vo): Yes. Apple will save us from the terrifying 1984-style future, for as we can clearly see today, no longer are people lined up like cattle for hours and hours on end! (photo of a large crowd lined up outside an Apple Store awaiting the release of the latest iPhone model) No longer will people dress alike in cold, colorless environments! (pictures of Apple Store employees all wearing identical blue shirts, as well as the bland white walls of an Apple Store) No longer will any cultish-style groups gather together to honor a grand controversial leader! (pictures of: 1) people wearing iPhone hats, 2) a man with the Apple logo shaved into the back of his head, and 3) Steve Jobs) And most importantly, no longer will we be brain-dead, lifeless zombies who plug ourselves into the machine of life we can also call "The System" (pictures of people in public and on trains listening to music or texting on their smartphones). NC: Thank you, Apple. You have done well. (An evil looking version of the Apple Logo comes in from the left as the Critic performs a sinister Kubrick Stare and appropriate music plays.) Evil Apple Logo: YOU CANNOT BEAT US!! YOU CANNOT BEAT US!! (Another fact, a few years after this commercial special debuted, most likely 2017, the Apple 1984 commercial was edited out of subsequent showings of the Rise of the Commercials, and Commercial Compilations.) TMNT Cookies (TV static transition to: '''TMNT Cookies' commercial)'' (The commercial opens in black and white with someone banging on a drum as children all line up and sit at lunch tables.) NC (vo): Good lord, we were really on this dictatorship dystopia kick for awhile, weren't we? What's this one selling? Announcer: There are places where imagination is an outlaw, where freedom is feared, where cookie boredom rules. NC: Cookie boredom? No! No, I will not give into cookie boredom; I will resist you at all costs! (holds up an oatmeal cookie and flips it off) FUCK YOU! Announcer: And there are those who fight back. NC: What? There's someone who is brave enough to stand up to cookie boredom? Don't you know what you're risking? Cookie Hitler (shows a photo of Hitler with a cookie covering his face) watches everything! (Out of one of the kids' boxes leap the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as the theme from the' 1980s cartoon show plays. The turtles restore color and joy to the children.)'' '''NC (vo): Yes, they even had cookies back then, and as someone who tried a box of them once... NC: And I'm still seeing the doctor about it even to this day, you can imagine they weren't very good. NC (vo): But like I said before, we were so obsessed with Ninja Turtles that literally all we needed was that first note of the theme song in order to get us hooked; it was pathetic but literally, every kid that was watching said... (Shows the beginning of the commercial.) NC: Ehh, this looks pretty stupid and lame. (Shows the kid opening the box, the turtles fly out, and the theme song plays.) NC: (throws money up into the air) Take my money. You play that one note; we buy the stuff, we know how it works! NC (vo): Nevertheless, I think everybody has to admit this is still a great commercial for fighting off cookie boredom. Announcer: Do it before it's too late. Background Singers: ♫ Turtle Power! ♫ NC (vo): Never give into Cookie Hitler! Star Wars Atari (TV static transition to: '''Star Wars Atari' advertisement; the reeking of '80s gamer kid who looks like Jim Carrey and is actually Steven Ogg is at a video game store and buys a Star Wars game)'' '80s Gamer: Star Wars! NC (vo): Speaking of a franchise that was needlessly everywhere... '80s Gamer: (panicked) Whoa! TIE Fighters, fireballs, coming right at me! Watch the laser towers, aim for the tops. NC (vo): Oh my God, guy, calm down! Pac-Man had more threatening graphics than this! '80s Gamer: Which way, which way? Oh! My shields are gone! All right, I'M GOING IN! NC (mocking '80s Gamer): I shouldn't have done that line of coke before playing this; AAHHHHHHHHH! (An explosion appears in front of the kid as he wins the game and screams in excitement and the scene cuts back to the cashier.) Cashier: Oh, some game, huh? '80s Gamer: (trying not to laugh) Some game! NC (as '80s Gamer): I'm just going to look at a pop-up book for a minute! (proceeds to look at a pop up book) AAHHHHHH! NC: Jesus, maybe the people in Wolf of Wall Street weren't even doing drugs; maybe they were just doing the Star Wars Atari game the whole time! (Cut to a scene from ''Titanic, where Jack Dawson is talking to Rose's family. The caption "Before the Star Wars Atari Game" appears underneath.)'' Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio): I work my way from place to place. Got everything I need right here with me. (Cut to a scene from ''The Wolf of Wall Street, where Jordan Belfort is on drugs with Donnie Azoff, portrayed by Jonah Hill. The caption "After the Star Wars Atari Game" appears underneath.)'' NC: Star Wars. It's that...good? (The explosion part of the commercial comes up again before cutting back to the cashier.) Cashier: Oh, some game, huh? '80s Gamer: Some game! Honey-Comb Man (TV static transition to: '''Honey-Comb Man' advertisement)'' Announcer: More Big Adventures of Honey-Comb Kid. NC: Ahh, Honey-Comb. The only successful cereal that clearly had no idea how to market itself. Honey-Comb Kid: Program year 3000. Boy: Right. Honey-Comb Kid: Planet Xenon. Girl: Check. NC (vo as Honey-Comb Kid): We're gonna go search for an identity! (normal) I'm thinking Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Battletoads, and I guess a little Star Wars again. The other guy ('80s Gamer from the previous commercial) really seemed to like it. Boy: Uh-oh. Honey-Comb Kid: Stay cool, kids. Remember what I taught you. Boy: Open your mouth. Girl: Close your eyes. NC: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! Kid's commercial, guys, kid's commercial! Boy: Open your mouth. Girl: Close your eyes. (They all shoot Honey-Comb cereal into the aliens' mouths.) NC (vo as Honey-Comb Kid): And let Paedophilia Jones do the rest of the work. Honey-Comb Kid: Can't beat the big taste of Honey-Comb cereal. NC (vo): Well, it does wash out the big taste of something else. Announcer: (reads onscreen caption) A big adventure in every bite. NC: Especially when the lights are off. NC (vo): And it's probably best if you don't bite. Canada Puppet PSA (TV Static transitions to the '''Canada Puppet PSA')'' (The Concerned Children's Advertisers logo appears.) Announcer: A message from Concerned Children's Advertisers. NC: Oh, thank God, another Canadian commercial! They'll calm us down from all this "open your mouth and close your eyes" controversy. Announcer: Why do you think your mommy or daddy are always telling you, "Don't put that in your mouth?" (Two light blue fuzzy puppets appear on screen. One is clearly a boy and the other is clearly a girl. They look like a Sesame Street version of Bob from ReBoot.) NC: Goddamn it, Canada! Boy Puppet: ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫ Girl Puppet: ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫ (NC takes off his glasses and buries his hands in his face.) Boy Puppet: ♫ Don't you stuff it in your face ♫ Girl Puppet: ♫ Don't stuff it in your face ♫ Boy Puppet: ♫ Though it might look good to eat ♫ Girl Puppet: ♫ Though it might look good to eat ♫ (NC hits the side of his head with his fist in frustration.) Boy Puppet: ♫ And it might look good to taste ♫ Girl Puppet: ♫ And it might look good to taste ♫ Both Puppets: ♫ You could get sick! Ick! ♫ (I don't know how to describe the expression on NC's face.) Both Puppets: ♫ Reeaaal quick! Ick! ♫ NC: Really? You were looking for a word to rhyme with "sick", and that's the best one you can come up with in this scenario? Girl Puppet: ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth. ♫ Boy Puppet: Uh-uh. Girl Puppet: ♫ Till you ask-- ♫ NC (vo): God, do they have to look so possessed while singing it, too? It just doesn't add to the overall feel of the experience! (The Boy and Girl Puppets are joined by other puppets.) All Puppets: ♫ If you don't know just what it is, don't put it in your mooouuuth! Ick! ♫ NC: (looking annoyed) Just play it, you all know it's coming. (A scene from the Canadian commercial about rape plays.) Grandma: It's a rape whistle. (Back to NC) NC: (strikes a "ta-da" pose) ''Canada! '''NC (vo):' Canada: I make fun of you with this because you have nothing else to make fun of. All Puppets: ♫ Don't put it in your mooouuuth! Ick! ♫ Lion Puppet: Always ask someone you love before you put anything in your mouth. NC: Except if that something in your mouth is the person that you love. (The audience starts booing.) NC: (shouting over the boos) Thank you for watching my commercial special. Tune in next time where I hope to lose even more of you! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and remember... (NC plays the audio from the commercial, waves his finger, and does a small dance as he gets up to leave.) Boy Puppet (audio): ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫ Girl Puppet (audio): ♫ Don't you put it in your mouth ♫ Boy Puppet (audio): ♫ Don't you stuff it in your face ♫ Girl Puppet (audio): ♫ Don't stuff it in your face ♫ Girl #3 (audio): Sometimes, I just don't feel fresh. (Credits roll) Channel Awesome Tagline— Rocky: Han!!! Han: Rookie. See also *Commercial Special *Return of the Nostalgic Commercials *Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials *Dawn of the Commercials *Conquest of the Commercials *Battle of the Commercials *War of the Commercials *Escape from the Commercials *Planet of the Commercials Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Commercials Category:Guides Category:Content Category:Nostalgia Critic Category:Transcripts